In is down, down is front;
Out is up, up is back;
Off is out, on is in;
and of course
Right is left and left is right.
A drop shouldn't and
A Block and fall does neither.
A prop doesn't and
A Cove has no water.
Tripping is OK,
A running crew rarely gets anywhere,
A purchase line will buy you nothing;
A trap will not catch anything;
A gridiron has nothing to do with football.
A strike is work (in fact, a lot of work)
and
A green room, thank God, usually isn't;
Now that you're fully versed in theatrical logic...
"Break a Leg"
Eternity -
The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line
Prop -
A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30 seconds before it is needed on stage
Director -
The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review
Blocking -
The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to collide with the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess, except that the pawns want to
argue with you.
Blocking Rehearsal -
A rehearsal taking place early in the production schedule where actors frantically write down movements which will be nowhere in evidence by opening night
Quality Theater -
Any show with which you were directly involved
Turkey -
Every show with which you were not directly involved
Dress Rehearsal -
Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening.
Tech Week -
The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown. Also known as "hell" week.
Set -
An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of space
Monologue -
That bright, shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him
Dark Night -
The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so the actors and crew can go home and get some well deserved rest, and instead spend the night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal
Bit Part -
An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show.
Green Room -
Room shared by nervous actors waiting to go on stage and the precocious children whose actor parents couldn't get a baby-sitter that night, a situation
which can result in justifiable homicide
Dark Spot -
An area of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before opening night.
Hands -
Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's environment, except on a stage, where they grow six times their normal size and either dangle uselessly, fidget nervously, or try to hide in your pockets
Stage Manager -
Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea
Lighting Director -
Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong
Makeup Kit -
(1) Among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle box loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops
(2) For first-time male actors, a helpless look and anything they can borrow
The Forebrain -
The part of an actors brain which contains lines, blocking and characterization; activated by hot lights
The Hindbrain -
The part of an actors brain that keeps up a running subtext in the background, while the forebrain is trying to act. The hindbrain supplies a constant stream of unwanted information. Such as who is sitting in the second row tonight, a notation to seriously maim the crew member who thought it would be funny to put real
Stage Crew -
Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic
Message Play -
Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile," "a challenge to actors and audience alike," or "designed to make the audiencethink." Critics will be impressed both by the daring material and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to have the house all to themselves.
Bedroom Farce -
Any play which requires various states of undress on stage and whose set sports a lot of doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of which feature the phrase "typical community theater fare" in the opening paragraph, are followed paradoxically by a frantic attempt to schedule more performances to accommodate the overflow crowds.
Assistant Director -
Individual willing to undertake special projects that nobody else would take on a bet, such as working one-on one with the brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast has threatened to take out a contract on.
Set Piece -
Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as a safety shield between themselves and the audience, in an apparent attempt to both anchor
themselves to the floor, thereby avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the audience from seeing that they actually have legs
Strike -
The time immediately following the last performance while all cast and crew members are required to stay and dismantle (or watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers) dismantle the set.
Actors (As defined by a set designer) -
People who stand between the audience and the set designer's art, blocking the view. That's also the origin of the word "blocking," by the way
Stage Right, Stage Left -
Two simple directions actors pretend not to understand in order to drive directors crazy. ("No, no, your OTHER stage right!")
...your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do.
...you have your own secret family recipe for stage blood.
...you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.
...you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light of day in
ten years, but you don't know where your own vacuum cleaner is.
...you've ever appeared in or worked on any show written by Van Zandt and Milmore.
...you have a Frequent Shopper Card at The Salvation Army.
...you start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy your costumes at the mall.
...you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker.
...you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot glue.
...you've ever appeared in a show where tech week is devoted to getting the
running time under four and a half hours.
...you've ever appeared on stage in an English drawing room murder mystery
where half the cast spoke with southern accents.
...you think Neil Simon is a misunderstood genius.
...you've ever appeared in a show where the cast outnumbered the audience.
...you've ever gotten a part because you were the only one who showed up for auditions.
...the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they saw
you taking out the trash before the show.
...you've ever menaced anyone with a gun held together with electrical tape.
...you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner
gown and high heels, and you're a guy.
...you've ever played the father of someone your father's age.
...your kids know your lines better than you do.
...your kids DELIVER your lines better than you do.
...you've ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a window without opening it first.
...you've ever had to play a drunk scene opposite someone who was REALLY drunk.
...you've ever heard a director say, "Try not to bump into the furniture," and mean it.
...you've ever appeared on stage with people you're related to.
...you've ever heard the head of the set construction crew say, "Just paint it black - no one will ever see it."
...you've ever appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect.
...the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half of the
stage because the floor's still wet-five minutes before curtain.
...you've ever been told that the reason your director has no eyebrows is
because he was in charge of special effects for the last show.
...you've ever said, "Don't worry - we'll just hot glue it."
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Complain to the director at notes.
Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix it!
Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Pull the technical director off a set installation to deal with it.
Q: How many technical directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Call the master electrician at home to fix it.
Q: How many master electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps. It's a props problem.
Q: How many props masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp?
Q: How many theater critics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them - one to be highly critical of the design elements, one to express contempt for the glow of the lamp, one to lambast the interpretation of wattage used, one to critique the performance of the bulb itself, one to recall superb light bulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain, reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep.
Q: How many theater students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Erm, what's the deadline? I may need an extension.
Q: How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to do it, one child to cry and another to say, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB."
Q: How many interns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, because you'll have to do it again, anyway.
Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 4... no, make that 3... on second thought 4... well, better make it 5, just to be safe.
Q: How many assistant directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But s/he has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.
Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Why do we need another light bulb?
Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!!
A2: It's on my list... it's on my list...
Q: How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: LAMP! It's called a LAMP, you idiot!
Q: How many lighting designers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Where's my assistant?
Q: How many technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, if they can find a lamp big enough and figure out how to get inside it.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Doesn't the stage manager do that?"
A2: None. They can never find their light.